breakablethread

this was new year 06. its gets better now haha. sooo. one friday night we were out. we'd upgraded from where we used to go. we used to go to the under 18s version, but now we were in the +18 version of the same club. we were both rather drunk and i had my head on her knee. she tapped me on the head with her phone and i looked at it, and said "just ask me" on it. so i was like omgbutterflies. so i asked her. in a proper gay "will you start seeing me" kind of way. haha was sad. i spent all night smiling so much. things were perfect. everything was going great. then one day i was at hers and she had to nip into college. so i was in her room and i saw a bag full of paper with hearts on and stuff. so i assumed they were about me. but no. they were about how much she regretted finishing lisa, how she thought we'd never work. i cried myself to sleep in her bed. i told her that night what id seen and she threw it in the bin. apart from the teddy lisa got her. i was like wtf? meh. i got over it eventually. she cut the teddy up so i was better. then she went to australia for a month. i missed her so much it was unreal. made me realise how much i loved her. everything was perfect up until summer started. she'd hang around on the field till 11pm, lisa was there of course. it made me so angry. i want telling her not to go out, i just would have liked her to come home earlier to talk to me. that summer i went to america again. she was going to all these parties with lisa. i felt so fucking helpless. she used to make fun of her to me and other people but she still hung with her. and i was in a different country. i couldnt cope. anyway. as usual i had to get over it. i got back from america and it was roxys party a few days later. i went to roxys before and i was in her room when i saw the invitation she never gave me. so i picked it up and under it there was things written on arial paper. i remember getting that book with her. i remembered how happy we were that day. but did it say things about me on it? no. about how she could wait to go to australia and sort her head out and get lisa out of her system. i was crushed. i picked up a pen, broke it, and cut myself all along my leg. id cut before roxy, but she helped me get over it. i dont know what came over me that day. id been ok for a year. we ended up making friends but we were pissed at eachother. i couldnt believe she;d still liked lisa until she went to australia. they'd been broken up like 8 months. i felt so low.

so. me and katie spent all night in casualty. some guy asked us if we knew roxy, and we were like yeah. he was like "oh i got this black eye sticking up for her" he went to high school with her and try to stop the people chasing us. i got in and i had a text from roxy saying she wanted to talk with me tomorrow. sooo the next day me and a doped up katie went into town. roxy was bladdered. drowing her sorrows i guess. she had broken up with her gf afterall. she was like "we cant start seeing eachother yet. but we can be meeting ok? and i wont meet anyone else ok?" i thought fair enough. i didnt expect us to get together the day after or anything. when we saw eachother it was amazing. but she still spent a lot of time with her ex, and her ex's twin. theyd go out all the time and get drunk and id just let her. one day i even showed up at the club to suprise her and she didnt notice me for a few hours. i just stood there waiting. a few days before xmas i went to my friends gig. turned out lisa was going too, but they were in the pub. somehow i got left at the gig while she went to the pub and got drunk. for 2 hours. i felt so stupid. it makes me angry thinking about this now. it had been 4 months since she'd broke up with lisa. lisa had had a few boyfriends. she only goes gay when she thinks the l word is cool pah. new years day i got back to my computer at about 12:15 and roxy had said to me that she thought it was time we got together, but she didnt want to do it over msn. i was so happy. i was so thrilled she'd finally commit to me. so we planned a nice day together. i stopped hers. i waited and waited. she never asked. i couldnt believe it. she said she wanted to make sure she could "trust herself". i felt hurt. i didnt know what that meant. had she been kissing other people? looking back i seriously have no idea how i put up with all of this.

ahhh the sats. they stress you out about them then after them they go "it was only to test the teachers" well gay haha. today i didnt go to college due to spending all of last night throwing up. and the last thing i had wasa kebab. baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad idea.

yup. so she turned up and roxy like jumped off me haha. lisa asked her how her tattoo was. turned out lisa went with roxy to have a tattoo earlier that day. then she showed it me. and it was a strawberry. weird you may think, but for a while we'd both had an obsession with strawberries and used to buy eachother strawberries all the time, and she used to call me her lickle stwawbewwy so i was like ... woah of course lisa had no idea she'd just been there while her girlfriend got a tattoo for somebody else. then the week after, we went to a gig at a labour club and ended up disappearing for like ... an hour hah. so we came out and the guy on the mic was like "SO ROXY WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?!?!" then to make it worse .. she realised her lip ring was gone so she was like "errr jess ... " but. people who knew lisa were at that gig. i dont think she ever got told about it but bleh. we got in dead late and my mum shouted at me so much. the day after was our GCSE results. me and my friend did quite well, so my mum allowed us to go out. we all sat on a field getting drunk before we went to the club. me and roxy were together, and then next minute we hear this voice from the other end of the field shout "ROXY. LISAS HERE". and her phone started ringing with people going "roxyyyy get off jesssss". everybody knew what was going on. everybody liked me more haha. roxys was a proper cock with lisa so i was like hahahhahaha. then this girl from nowhere jumped on roxys ex rach, whos roxys best friend and we were like wtF?! so roxy tried to pull this girl off and this chav jumped in, threw roxy to the floor and kicked her in the head loads. its got to have been the most terrifying thing ive ever seen. to see the person you love get their head kicked in? not nice. so me and roxy went. we were half way down the street when we turned around and saw these people chasing after us. so we ran. far far away. then we were in the club, and somebody came running up to me shouting "jess. get outside for katie. now" i thought maybe she was in a fight and they wanted me to jump in? so i got outside and she was lying on the floor crying her eyes out. she'd come looking for me, slipped on a cobble, landed on her back and fucked her back. so i sat with katie all night. then my friend fiona came running over. "jess. roxy just finished with lisa"

^ yeah i know. its pathetic. only sick people could ever make that up.

haha why thankyou well. the day after my friend katie was like so are you gonna split up with lisa? roxy got proper stressed out about and said she needed her own time, so i did. one day she invted me and a few other people to hers to get drunk before we went out and while me and my friend were on the bus down i got a text saying "i know you probably don't believe me but i love you. and im going to prove it to you". so we were at hers and she'd bought me a bottle of wine so i was like aww then she came over to kiss me, and said "i love you". my belly was like adsjsakdjsadjasvdjsadjsadla and i got butterflies when i said it back. it couldnt bring myself to let go of her. and squoze her all the way down to the club we were going to. then i had to let go. her girlfriend was going to be there. that made me feel awful. how could she love me yet do this to me? everyweek we'd have to be sneaky. every time we saw eachother, every comment we left eachother. it hurt me so much. 30th on june, the day of my leavers do, we ... *ahem* ... yeah .. for the firs ttime. she went on about how she hated hurting me and how she was gonna end it with lisa, but i went on holiday 20th on july for a month. and she still hadnt ended it. then i get an email in america. lisa claimed she'd been raped. turn out she hadnt. turned out she'd sucked some lad's dick and said he'd forced her to do it because somebody might tell. but roxy didnt know this. said how she was gonna have to have more time to split up with lisa. i got back from america and immediatley went into town. roxy and my friend katie were waiting and we all had a big hug. it was so amazing seeing roxy again. so we went down to the benches where we hung out. me and roxy were inseperable for like 2 hours. then lisa showed up.

boo @ paramore gigs being way too far away

i was waiting for people to post "omg jess youre the best write more" ;] haha well ill carry on. sooo i read that entry on mydiary and i was in total shock. mostly due to the fact that i was convinced i was the ugliest person EVER. never had a boyfriend or girlfriend, only ever kissed a guy twice, and both of them were just for the sake of it. nobody id ever liked had liked me back. that meant so much to me. the next time we saw eachother after we'd realised we liked eachother was at the under 18s club we used to go to. it was a bit awkward at first, but in the end we spent the whole night spitting on eachother. weird i know, but it was weird. we chased eachother round for hours just spitting on eachother, grabbing eachother. i liked it. when it was time to go, i gave her a hug and then went to go, then i turned around and gave her another big hug ... one that soon became our signature "lingering hug". then i went home. as i walked off i heard one of roxys friends, her ex girlfriend who was her best friend, going "ughhhhhh why didnt you just meet her" (meet means to kiss up here. dont ask haha) when i got in the car i had a lovely text message of her saying she really wished she'd kiss me. before the mydiary entry, she'd got together with that girl lisa. she was a dick to her. she cheated on roxy with roxys best mate, in roxys house. she cheated on her all the time. deep down i was happy. they split up a bit before my friend had a party. then on the day of the party i got a text message saying she'd got back together with her and didnt think she should come. she ended up coming in the end, and we kissed for the first time, and spent the night cuddling on the sofa. i thought for sure she'd end it with lisa. but she didnt. not for a long time ..

ive not seen it ... and i dont plan on doing so till monday good paramorefan jess, good paramorefan haha that reminded me. i posted a bulletin a bit ago saying id been on paramorefans all day, and somebody thought i meant paramorphines and thought i was a druggy :] x

^^ i think we have a winner ive seeeeeen PARAMORE madina lake spice girls XD avril lavigne butch walker gavin degraw metric hadouken plain white t's houston calls hellogoodbye damien rice natalie imbruglia robert post pretty girls make fraves breaks co-op fionn reagan the gossip the violets pre the noisettes slow club deluka the used yourcodenameis:milo funeral for a friend a static lullaby bullet for my valentine gratitude lacuna coil norma jean he is legend maylene and the sons of disaster regina spektor the sounds low vs diamond under the influence of giants howling bells missy higgins camera obscura juliette and the licks and other various support bands that i cant for the life of me remember

haha i love how i spent ages writing the first part to mine and nobody even acknowledged it x

haha i love hot nobody wants to hear the end of mine good job i CBA x

one last kiss too scared to pull away you know that at the end you'll be apart for days on end eyes tight shut lips collide over and over again in this long good bye. and with one fatal blow you blew apart my world and the walls come crumbling down. 'i think its time to say goodbye for good' you whispered helplessly. 'but you said this would last forever' im too heart broken to speak and these ears have walls and these walls have eyes and they know just how wrecklessly you shot me down. these walls are familiar we've been here before. when things were better thing were perfect. i think i recognise that alley or two. but this time we're walking away and our hands are nowhere near entwined in the other and the only thing im holding is my dignity for once. sometimes its strong to walk away. sometimes its right to give her time. maybe this good bye wont be the last. or maybe we'll just never say hello. i used to write a lot on my old my-diary. i honestly don't remember writing that. god im amazing its weird. i dont remember that, but i remember all the feelings attributed to it. strange!

ill tell you mine :] welllllllllllllllllll there was this girl in my class who we always used to make fun of cos she was a nerd haha. then about 2 and a half years ago there were these rumours going around that she was with this totally HOT girl. so me being a nerd did some internet investigating and the rumours were true. she was HOT AS HELL. Then i went to this rock night at a club and she was there. me and my friend were like woah shes hot. Then me and my friend went to the used, and she was there. drunk as anything haha and my friend ended up kissing her, even though she was with the girl in my class, AND she had a girlfriend. tut tut. One day we were on the park, there were about 5 of us. and somehow this pen fight started. i ended up covered in ink, mostly due to the hot girl (who i should rpobably name so its not as hard ... Roxy). then she made me buy her a twix and some crisps, which i did. and i dunno why i did because im usually STINGY with money. then later on she rung me and asked me to marry her :S haha. id had a my-diary for a while, like an online blog thing and id given her the link to mine. she read over 500 posts id made about how my friends were cocks and how i self harmed and how i hated myself and she made one too. she'd always manage to slip me in with little things like "jess is dead cool" or "jess just text me yeahhh". she was going on about how this girl lisa liked her, and how she kinda liked her back blah blah how my mate who she'd kissed had pissed her off because she'd used her to reassure herself she wasnt gay blah blah blah. so yeah that night we'd been to the park we had some form of licking fight for some reason haha. i suppose i should of guessed when we had a licking fight that i liked her. She came watching me in Grease too, and said i looked fit or whatever. Then i realised i liked her. i posted so many mydiary enteries. they scared me because i didnt know what was gonig on. and i thought it would never ever ever ever in a million years ever happen. then one day on her my-diary ... i read this. the writings a bit hard to decipher because she talks like a 10 year old texting "omg i keep avin random outbursts of jess!...omg wots goinon wiv me :S:S:S:S im so confuzzled..omg biff jus did the fucking saddest joke!! neway...so yeh...i well keep talkin bout her 2 biff :S omg! jus cuz shes well hot!!n we get on so well n did i mention shes was like well hot!!...yar neway dun even no y am sayin this cuz liek she is straight!!..haha welli dun really think she is but liek she only sees me as a mate neway! plus im sposed 2 b wi lisa but like i cant help it if like...yeh!!...nvm!! argh im well confused!!! arhg jess jus well txt me then n ev...jeeesus..hmm shes sniffin chemicals lol wierdo!! but shes purrrrdeeeeeeeeeeeeeee so its reet!!...i shud well stop talkin now cuz like im obviously gna mess shit up if i carry onnnnnnnnnnn" god this is dragging on. this is only about 4 months worth. theres another 2 years hahahah x

^ that sucks :[ i decided to get the bus to my gfs and sleep until 2pm instead of going to college today x

my grandmas in the us right now so i could ask her to get it me but i fear she wouldnt come out alive :[ last time i took her in she though the sunglasses were bats.

mtv 2 in the uk turned indie a couple of years ago. gay. x

leeds/reading festival x

that friday is gonna be immense haha. friday at leeds i mean thats the hellogoodbye, fob etc date. css and hadouken on the nme stage that day too yaaaaaaaaay @ life. i heard rumours about the sounds self confirming but ive not seen anything about it. i hope hope hope hope paramore play so much x

yay @ new leeds/reading annoucement :] no paramore though... yet ...

theyve been confirmed for leeds/reading festival :] x

haha you revived a revived thread x

yeah but these exams are gonna decide whether i get into university or not, so im going to have to revise. A LOT. and i dont think my parents would agree with me dissappearing to the other wide of the country to watch a band when ive got exams coming up either.

meg, we all know youre the LESBIAN around here so shh.

i also hate it. i hate how all this paramore touring is going on during my a levels. i hate ittttttttttttttttt. i hope hayleys legs fall off and she reshedules the tour for when my exams are over and grows more legs and then she plays at my house yaaaaaaaaay x