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nathanselisko
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You guys always seem to agree with all your responses, you guys all have the same crush on the same girl?

Garrett; TAYLOR SWIFT?!

Pat;NOOOO Meghan Foxx!

Garrett; OHHHH isnt she getting married?

yeah with the guy from 90210

Garrett; YEAH hes like 10 years older then her!

i sayy you break them up and hand them off to me!

Garrett; SPLIT ITTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!

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The Simpsons! :willy_nilly:

 

*Bart and Homer are tethered together*

 

Bart: Come on dad, I need to use the bathroom!

Homer: Oh, but I just got comfortable! Here, use the bottle. *passes a bottle to Bart*

Marge: Homer, no!

Homer: Oh come on!

Marge: I'm not having anyone in this house peeing in a bottle!

Homer: Fine! *gets up and follows Bart out the room* I don't even know why we have a bottle! Somebody tell me!

 

xD

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Ginger snaps 2:

(talking about a werewolf)

 

Ghost: *takes a chip* It's gonna find, you isn't it? You know the fact that it didn't kill you tonight... that means something. Maybe he's like you, and it's not in his nature to kill, and he secretly wants...

Brigitte: Ghost, he wants to mate with me.

Ghost: Oh... *slowly eats chip*

Brigitte: Don't try too hard to visualize that

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Ardal O'Hanlon: (aka Dougal from Father Ted)

 

"I was driving along the motorway and I saw a sign that said "Tiredness can kill". I had absolutely no idea. I stayed up til 3am the other day. I could have died!"

 

Michael McIntyre:

 

"Have you seen these vans and lorries on the roads with 'How am I driving?' stickers on them? The first time I saw one of those, I was expecting the driver to have no arms. How's he doing that?! Is there another person in the cab with him holding the wheel?! Some kind of trick using mirrors?! And what about those 'Good driver?' stickers. Do they actually expect you to phone the number and compliment them? I'd just like to say... the way you handled that last corner... absolutely MAGNIFICENT. And the turn off at the junction before that? Well it had the kids in the back applauding it was that good..."

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  • 2 weeks later...

So I'm gonna go nuts and post a load of Mock The Week quotes cause I'm bored ;-) God bless wikiquote... (mainly Frankie Boyle - the guy is a legend)

 

On Big Brother:

 

Frankie Boyle: "I think they should play sounds of explosions, flames licking at the walls, then nothing for a few days, then on eviction night, have Davina come over the tannoy sounding terrified, and speaking in Arabic."

 

Unlikely Small Ads:

 

Frankie Boyle: "Would you like no strings attached sex? Contact my whore of an ex-wife."

 

Hugh Dennis: "Worried about hair loss? You bald bastard."

 

Frankie Boyle: "Bored? Lonely? Depressed? Meet like minded people at salsa dancing."

 

What a News Reporter Would Never Say:

 

Russell Howard: "Next on News 24, I'm going to punch a zebra. Who cares? No one's watching."

 

Frankie Boyle: "Rape, murder, arson. I've had a fantastic weekend"

 

Frankie Boyle: "Even amidst the devastation of this earthquake, there are still stories of hope. I found a man's wallet!"

 

Things that would change the atmosphere at a dinner party:

 

Russell Howard: "Doorbell! Excellent, that'll be Heather Mills and James Blunt, hope he's brought his guitar!"

 

Andy Parsons: "Ignore the banging, she's been in there for 24 years!" (reference to Josef Fritzl)

 

Frankie Boyle: "Help yourself to nibbles. He was our favourite hamster, but it's what he would have wanted."

 

Frankie Boyle: "There is a vegetarian option... you can fuck off"

 

Lines you wouldn't hear in a superhero movie:

 

Frankie Boyle: "You're trapped Spider-Man, trapped in this enormous bath."

 

Commercials that never made it to air:

 

Hugh Dennis: "31 million names on three great discs, Her Majesty's Revenue and Customs' Now That's What I Call A Monumental Cock-up Volume 1!"

 

Russell Howard: "Max Mosley doesn't do Nazi-themed sex orgies, but if he did, he'd probably do the best Nazi-themed sex orgies in the world."

 

Bad things to hear on opening the door in the middle of the night:

 

Frankie Boyle: "I'm afraid your husband's been murdered. Could I borrow a shovel?"

 

Things you wouldn't hear on Songs Of Praise:

 

Frankie Boyle: "Hello, Canterbury, let's make some fucking noise!"

 

Bad Things To Hear On An Aeroplane:

 

Frankie Boyle: "In the event of the cabin decompressing, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling, and untangling them will annoy you before you die."

 

Hugh Dennis: "This is your captain, if you look out on the port side window in about a couple of minutes or so, you'll see...me. Bye!"

 

Frankie Boyle: "Louise and her in-flight team will be looking after you today, and your hijacker's name is Ibrahim."

 

Frankie Boyle: "This is a no smoking flight, although do feel free to join us in the cockpit where we've opened a window."

 

Others:

 

Michael Macintyre: "Knife crime must end! Just last week, I was given a steak knife when I clearly ordered the fish."

 

Frankie Boyle: "I've always wondered about if the face transplant woman gave you a blow-job, would that technically count as a threesome?"

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Guest JadeIsRad

Frankie Boyle: I saw Saddam's hanging on YouTube and it made me think. It made me think... is there nothing on the Internet that I won't masturbate to?

 

LOL

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  • 5 weeks later...

I saw Mock the Week the other night.

 

"I used to have a flat mate who had OCD. I used to put rice crispies in his shoes most mornings. He'd go absolutely nuts, but he'd always count how many their were. 'Snap, crackle, pop, do my funny dance."

 

"Due to the recent price rise, it means people have had to downgrade their supermarkets. People who used to shop at Waitrose now shop at Asda, people who shopped at Asda now shop at Aldi, and people who shopped at Aldi are now rooting through rubbish bins."

 

"Miss Marple, we have no witnesses, no evidence, no forensics, nothing. It looks hopeless, but you could always just pin it on the black guy."

 

"I've been to India, Africa, China and more, and if I still don't find my luggage I'll go back to Terminal 5."

 

And so on. xD

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Friends are like buttcheeks;

Crap spreads them apart but they always come back together.

:l

 

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

 

 

 

Angie Ostrowiski: Bitch, I don't know your life!

----------------------------------------------

Kate Holbrook: I overreacted earlier. I'm sorry...

[Kate exits]

Angie Ostrowiski: I'm sorry I farted into your purse...

------------------------------------------------

Kate Holbrook: Your water broke!

[Angie looks at her cup, confused]

Kate Holbrook: No, your water! Come on, I'll drive you to the hospital!

Angie Ostrowiski: [looking back at the sidewalk] Should we clean that up?

 

various quotes from baby mamma....not neglecting the gum under the table scene

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