Jammer Posted August 2, 2007 Report Share Posted August 2, 2007 i really like that just it could nt use soo much cursing. Really? While considering I only use 'fuck' and 'fucking' on the chorus, and 'shit' on the second verse, I thought I was being rather restrained. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lyn Posted August 2, 2007 Report Share Posted August 2, 2007 Really? While considering I only use 'fuck' and 'fucking' on the chorus, and 'shit' on the second verse, I thought I was being rather restrained. haha. for some reason, that made me laugh. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jammer Posted August 2, 2007 Report Share Posted August 2, 2007 Yeah, I haven't sworn in my other work in here before, but personally I think the odd swear word gives a song a bit of intensity. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BasketCase963 Posted August 2, 2007 Report Share Posted August 2, 2007 I agree but I think you should leave one of the fucks out of the chorus just because it's a bit too intense since they're so close together. Other than that I thought it was great! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jorgi Posted August 2, 2007 Report Share Posted August 2, 2007 For Now You know I never thought I'd be the kind To fumble with locked doors Never thought I'd fall for green eyes I fell for yours so i'm a bit behind on this thread from not being here to read it, and i'll read and get through it all but meanwhile i have to say i'm in love with those lines. i wrote alot on the plane to and from my holiday, so i'm afraid you'll all be bombarded sooner or later with some horrible ramblings. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
neverment2brag Posted August 2, 2007 Report Share Posted August 2, 2007 thoughts racing walking and pacing 'round and round. i cant take it anymore... am i finally loosing it? talking to myself loosing all my health feeling like im gunna die. getting short of breath fearing death ...should i be? a little dazed feeling a little crazed am i FINALLY loosing it? after all the shit maybe i should just sit just sit down and clear my head. sitting down laying down asking why this is hapening. getting really weak feeling like im gunna freak freak out and loose all self control. mom walks in asks whats wrong my speech is impared ...so long. i look at my mother give her that look that look of peace and release. closing my eyes waiting to die i feel my breathing getting low. mother screams to me it seems... seems that shes finally caring about me. cant stop it now i dont now how but there i was.. i was gone. just a lifeless body laying on a bed. maybe this is for a best. now i can rest... rest in peace and never be bothered ...again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
neverment2brag Posted August 3, 2007 Report Share Posted August 3, 2007 i forgot if i posted these, maybe i did...but im gunna post them again i guess haha this one is about one of my guy friends...like. he was my best friend. and then this other girl got in the way, and i didnt really know how to...explan how i felt to him ya know like, to say...this girl is basicly ruining our friendship, and i still like you as a friend and stuff. "Over" we used to be close used to talk to one another we liked the same things and laughed with eatchother but now thats over * i said something i shouldnt of said and i was thinking of some things that i shouldnt of been thinking about but i cant help had to say it and im sorry for it but i dont want us to be over * before all these things we laughed together and talked and i liked it like that but now i feel like somethings in the way and ill leave it at that but its killing me inside because i feel like were growing apart becuase what we had was something special i thought * beacause i love you like a sister or brother and i dont want to mess things up but when im with you im felt like i was loved for once i thought * but now that things still in the way and i cant keep it inside any more im going to have to tell you the truth i think that the thing in the way is breaking us apart and i really dont want that to happen cuz like i said i do luv you i dont hate you i dont hate any one but the way you talk about the thing well thats a bit messed up * i gotta try and get it through my head that we'll never be like we used to but if we could that would be the bet thing ever cuz your the reason that i love life and without you in MY life well... my life is over * but like i said i HAVE TO get used to it but i dont think i can but ill try cuz its getting on my nerves i cant sleep at night and i really hope we can work thing out but if not i dont want us to be over _______________________________________ this ones untitled. its basicly part 2 of the 1st one, because after i told him how i felt, like...a year ago he was in another state, and he told me that he had heart trouble and had to go to the hospital and almost died basicly...and i like prayed my ass off for like week. and yeah, he told me that eh was just kididng about that. and i got REALLY pissed. I trusted you. I Beleived in you. I prayed for you. For what? Nothing. I Thought i was your friend guess not. Your too shy to admit what you like and dont like. You sould of told me you wernt who i thought you were Hurt Depressed Confuzed Mad Thats how i feel. I'll never forgive you. Ever. Even if you get on your KNEES... i wont. Im going toblock you away from my life But i cant forget all the good times we had. I bet you knew i would be this hurt. Thats why you kept it from EVERYONE I've been truthfull to you since i MET you. Why couldnt you of been truthfull to me? If you would of, I wouldnt be as hurt as i am now. You have no idea how you've hurt me You were my best friend.. not this. UIt's all ruined Our friendship is ruined Just everything is ruined. Its somewhere floating out to sea... neevr to be seen again. Someday i wish I could turn back time To when it was all good. But tp think almost all of it was lies? I want to die. Better then that, you die. You die, and i will go to your funeral and laugh and laugh. Cuz thats what you diserve. Im just sorry you missed out on being my friend cuz i AM a good person. i dont lie. Specially to you You were my friend. My BEST friend not its just ruined forver. now get out of my face. you sicken me. But i always have a feeling to talk to you... Cuz at 1st i thought that night was just a nightmare and not real... i wanted to wake up so BAD i just wanted to scream... but i didnt wake up. it wasnt a dream. it was ALL real. and it JUST hit me. and it sucks. But i am finally telling you through this letter to YOU, that i hate you literly i TRUELY mean it now. so much. I am erasing you from my memory. It'll take a*while... But you ruined my life and it hurts just to say hi to you now... you ruined my life. just you. only you. its over. and ruined. forever. sorry if i posted these before.....actually i think i did. but, i aint sure. but...their good. their double post worthy haha Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rogue Ninja Posted August 3, 2007 Report Share Posted August 3, 2007 so i'm a bit behind on this thread from not being here to read it, and i'll read and get through it all but meanwhile i have to say i'm in love with those lines. Thank you so much! I think those are my favorites, too. Haha, I guess it's good for songs to have good opening lines but I was upset I couldn't get the rest of the song to live up to the start. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jorgi Posted August 3, 2007 Report Share Posted August 3, 2007 i forgot if i posted these, maybe i did...but im gunna post them again i guess haha ------- Right, please don't take this in the wrong way because i don't mean it in any offence, but maybe it's a bit cliché ? It's very literal, and in that way it's powerful and get's the point across but i'm a sucker for metaphors and meanings and for me it might be a bit too literal ? It doesn't really sing a song to me, more a very angsty letter. However, again, don't get me wrong i'm not saying it's bad ! Infact the opposite, just i reckon it's the sort that sound better spoken/sung that written down. Thank you so much! I think those are my favorites, too. Haha, I guess it's good for songs to have good opening lines but I was upset I couldn't get the rest of the song to live up to the start. Au contraire ! I reckon the song carried on the same high level as the beginning, i just picked out my favourite bit Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jammer Posted August 3, 2007 Report Share Posted August 3, 2007 Here we go again. I'd like to think this one has a more upbeat tone to it than my other efforts. On Top of the World Forget all your troubles Forget all your miseries Think back to that time when We were care free and innocent When we worried over nothing... Do you remember how it felt To be on top of the world? Take my hand and I'll show you That the sky isn't our limit anymore... We both know that familiar feeling To believe that we're untouchable Miles above the drudgery of the world below We make our own rules up here And no-one can change any of it.... *chorus* Come with me to the top of the world Where all our troubles melt away into the sky Embrace the feeling, my dear, cause there's No time for us to stay here much longer Just cut your losses, let's fly away together Let's show the world what they're missing out on... *chorus* On top of the world, where we're at peace On top of the world, where bliss reigns supreme On top of the world, with you by my side... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lyn Posted August 3, 2007 Report Share Posted August 3, 2007 another song. wheeeeee. i have to give some credit to natashhha for helping me with the second verse and bridge. thank you. honest opinions please. another no name yet song first i didn't know what to do. i didn't know what to say. you just left. when i wanted you to stay. i didn't know why. i didn't know how. we just ended. and now chorus i have to find strength in my weakness. you are gone and now all those sleepless nights are through i'm gonna survive without you. second we never really got too far who would've thought it would be this hard i thought i knew who you were who would've known you were a completely different person what happened to us? where did it go wrong? now you're making me write this song. chorus bridge your face and name has been engraved in my brain you're always on my mind but now we are out of time we're over, it's finally through gotta stop thinkin about you chorus Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Natasha Posted August 3, 2007 Report Share Posted August 3, 2007 i've got one too. also unnamed. thought i had a handle on life / but i guess it finally broke / i never was too sure where / this heart was supposed to go / when my mind goes the wrong direction / and i start to lose hope (chorus) no one ever said this was gonna be easy / i just expected it to be that way / i wasn't expecting things to fall apart / right in front of my face i don't see where things went wrong / i guess it all just happened too fast / i should've known my happiness wouldn't last long / now i just wish i could go back into the past (chorus again) yep, very short. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lyn Posted August 3, 2007 Report Share Posted August 3, 2007 ^I loves it Tasha. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
neverment2brag Posted August 4, 2007 Report Share Posted August 4, 2007 Right, please don't take this in the wrong way because i don't mean it in any offence, but maybe it's a bit cliché ? It's very literal, and in that way it's powerful and get's the point across but i'm a sucker for metaphors and meanings and for me it might be a bit too literal ? It doesn't really sing a song to me, more a very angsty letter.However, again, don't get me wrong i'm not saying it's bad ! Infact the opposite, just i reckon it's the sort that sound better spoken/sung that written down. yeah but....all poems dont gotta be song-like do they? haha i only write poems not songs. i SUCK at songs. and i know thoes suck. i didnt really mean to make them poem like. i just had to let my feelings out and i showed it to my friend thats a bit poem person and shes liek "hey thoes could be poems" so...yeah ha did ANYONE read the other one i posted? or did that suck too lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jorgi Posted August 4, 2007 Report Share Posted August 4, 2007 yeah but....all poems dont gotta be song-like do they? haha i only write poems not songs. i SUCK at songs. and i know thoes suck. i didnt really mean to make them poem like. i just had to let my feelings out and i showed it to my friend thats a bit poem person and shes liek "hey thoes could be poems" so...yeah ha did ANYONE read the other one i posted? or did that suck too lol OH my bad ! Sorry, i just automatically assumed it was a song, i reckon mainly because it's structure. But okay, here's the plan: ignore me, okay Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eefie Posted August 5, 2007 Report Share Posted August 5, 2007 AWESOME work yall!!! =] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eefie Posted August 5, 2007 Report Share Posted August 5, 2007 ^ That's an awesome poem! thanks! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jorgi Posted August 5, 2007 Report Share Posted August 5, 2007 I'm not very good at writing lighthearted things, but i thought i'd go for the acoustic approach for once: - He's the kind that sings her songs that are never quite in tune and he gets the words wrong, but she don't care 'cause they're holding hands on the beach with the sand beneath their feet and she's thinking what a beautiful day. He picks her right up and swings her round in the air to make her scream and feel scared but she doesn't care 'cause she's enjoying ever minute spent with him by her side, she looks to the sky when he's turned away and thanks whoever's up there 'cause no she's okay and this life would suit her just fine for now and forever, sitting in the sun eathing ice cream and jelly together like nothing else matters in the whole wide world. and she knows that she's lucky to be with him and he thinks she's the most beautiful girl he's ever seen, and they both think they can safely say they know what love means so she says, if love feels like butterflies and sunshine and ice cream, then i sure am in love with you. any comments or critisism would be ace 'cause i'm not really sure what i'm doing (; Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ninski Posted August 5, 2007 Report Share Posted August 5, 2007 Its pretty short. Kinda having a hard time with the bridge.And I'm not really feeling the emotions I felt when I first wrote the lyrics..If anyone wants to help, please do!! I'm trying to pretend nothing's wrong though I wanna cry My heart is bleeding While I'm smiling Can't you see that I'm crying out for help I can't show you how I really feel Can't tell you how much I'm dying I never wanted to feel this way I never wished for this to happen Can this all be gone right now Can we walk away and just forget about it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rogue Ninja Posted August 5, 2007 Report Share Posted August 5, 2007 I'm not very good at writing lighthearted things, but i thought i'd go for the acoustic approach for once: - He's the kind that sings her songs that are never quite in tune and he gets the words wrong, but she don't care 'cause they're holding hands on the beach with the sand beneath their feet and she's thinking what a beautiful day. He picks her right up and swings her round in the air to make her scream and feel scared but she doesn't care 'cause she's enjoying ever minute spent with him by her side, she looks to the sky when he's turned away and thanks whoever's up there 'cause no she's okay and this life would suit her just fine for now and forever, sitting in the sun eathing ice cream and jelly together like nothing else matters in the whole wide world. and she knows that she's lucky to be with him and he thinks she's the most beautiful girl he's ever seen, and they both think they can safely say they know what love means so she says, if love feels like butterflies and sunshine and ice cream, then i sure am in love with you. any comments or critisism would be ace 'cause i'm not really sure what i'm doing (; It's cute! I think it would work better as a paragraph, though. I don't see the line breaks adding anything to it, and writing free verse poetry sets you up to be ripped apart by a lot of critics. Unless there's some kind of structure there that I'm missing? I'll post one of mine instead of coming back in 10 minutes and double posting, ha. Freedom I wake up with the morning light creeping around the curtain It happens almost every day but even that’s not certain Some mornings I wake up and by clouds the light’s hidden Those are days when contemplative moods arise unbidden I think about my life and the direction it’s going I think about me feelings and I keep them all from showing I think about my problems and the causes that precede them And how none of that matters if I only have my freedom I lie awake on restless nights, dark heightening my senses Overwhelming thoughts attack breaking down my defenses It’s not likely that I will cry but less likely that I’ll sleep As through my mind large problems thrash and small worries also creep I think about myself and the way that I am living I think about the things I get compared to what I’m giving I think of all the things I want but I don’t really need them The one thing that I need the most I have and that’s my freedom I stand alone up on the bridge and see as far as I can Everything that meets the eye can interfere with my plan I hold my breath and close my eyes, it breaks my heart to be there To see how small I really am, it all just seems so unfair I think about the plans I’ve made and promises I’ve broken I think of all my lofty goals and the lies that I’ve spoken I think about my instincts but I know I’d never heed them ‘Cause giving up on life is just me giving up my freedom Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jorgi Posted August 5, 2007 Report Share Posted August 5, 2007 It's cute! I think it would work better as a paragraph, though. I don't see the line breaks adding anything to it, and writing free verse poetry sets you up to be ripped apart by a lot of critics. Unless there's some kind of structure there that I'm missing? Ah, no i see what you mean but block paragraphs really put me off reading things, i wasn't sure if it'd be the same way for anyone else and attempted to break it off. I'll try get a recording of it done at some point, i think it sounds better in song then on paper (although still not excellent, but hey i'm experimenting!) . Cheers Freedom I wake up with the morning light creeping around the curtain It happens almost every day but even that’s not certain --- I think about the plans I’ve made and promises I’ve broken I think of all my lofty goals and the lies that I’ve spoken I think about my instincts but I know I’d never heed them ‘Cause giving up on life is just me giving up my freedom I really do enjoy the beginning of your songs ! I like how you managed to keep the rhythm all the way through the verses (although perhaps some seemed a little strained ?), it had a very nice flow. Quoted those 8 lines because to me, they're excellent Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
neverment2brag Posted August 6, 2007 Report Share Posted August 6, 2007 ah. alright...well i was lie flippin through like local news channels, and CNN and FOX news and all that. and all they were talkin about were like phsycos like..killing their wives. and.....teenagers killing parents and all that shit. so, this came to my mind....i know it sucks. my the end i like ran out of things really but here it is: One fine day, This woman sits at home. At the kitchen table with her kids all alone. She asks her son how his day at school went, Then she hears a loud knock on the door. She thinks to herself "Oh dear lord". Another bang on the door comes, She screams "ILL BE RIGHT THERE!" She opens up the door and this man with a gun. Shoots her two little kids... even her son. She runs to the phone to call 911, But it was too late... The man shoots her not one, not two, but THREE times in the head... Then the man realizes the horror of what he just did. His head gets heavy, He lies down on the floor... He feels guilty and horrified. So he gets the gun... and takes his own life. What a shame... but whos to blame? No one... Because its a sick world. People kill for no reason... EVERY day. And thats pretty much all i have to say. Has everyone gone mad? Its so damn sad... Becasue theres no reason for it. Its a sick world full of bad drivers, Phsyco killers... Druggies, Ex Con's... What are we going to do to get it though? That these people need help... They need to start brand new. If not, The next knock on the door... could be the end of you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rogue Ninja Posted August 6, 2007 Report Share Posted August 6, 2007 Ah, no i see what you mean but block paragraphs really put me off reading things, i wasn't sure if it'd be the same way for anyone else and attempted to break it off. I'll try get a recording of it done at some point, i think it sounds better in song then on paper (although still not excellent, but hey i'm experimenting!) . Cheers I really do enjoy the beginning of your songs ! I like how you managed to keep the rhythm all the way through the verses (although perhaps some seemed a little strained ?), it had a very nice flow. Quoted those 8 lines because to me, they're excellent I look forward to listening to that. =) Thank you so much. Yes, good openers! That's good to know. I'll try to keep it up. Yeah, I'll be the first to admit that keeping up a constant rhythm is not easy, and I'm not disciplined enough to keep trying until it's perfect. I'm more of the "eh, it's not the best, but it's good enough" school, though I'd like to move up eventually. Thanks again! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jorgi Posted August 6, 2007 Report Share Posted August 6, 2007 I'm more of the "eh, it's not the best, but it's good enough" school, though I'd like to move up eventually. I'm exactly the same ;D I'm trying for different approaches on things but i'm still not too hot at this whole writing business, so again critique is always welcome ! -- i'll have to admit that this plan all went a bit haywaire and no amount of wit will stop you being a liar so set me another light but no amount of nicotine will get me through tonight so another shotof vodka will do me just fine you'll do me just fine so mr. cliché makes another appearance just as it's too late to make a difference so where's the surprise this time ? it's about time you stop chasing the limelight you crave and save your arrogance for another day before this goes too far. and i thought it would be quite alright to just sit outside and talk all night with two cups of tea with sugar and some memories of us but that was never quite enough so another shot of vodka will do me just fine (this time) you'll do me just fine Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Emergency32 Posted August 9, 2007 Report Share Posted August 9, 2007 I finally got something new. I'm pretty proud of it. I can relate to this song alot (you'll see how once you read it) and i haven't written one i can relate to in awhile, in fact i haven't even written anything in awhile. Plus the best thing about me writing this song is that 1. it says alot of stuff that i can't and 2. this guy i know and the band he's in might be covering it. So that's pretty amazing. Anyways enough talking and here's the lyrics. (: Stars Fade Away: I’m scared to death of what You might think I’m taking broken Bridges anywhere but here honestly I’m running from everything ‘cause I’m desperately looking for the words To speak This is harder then you expect Because we both know all I can do Is make a mess you’re searching for The words I’ve left unsaid but they’re Miles away from the place we’re at Now this is the part where the stars Fade away and I fall over the same mistakes (Now this is the part where the stars Fade away) the only song I can seem to play Is the one with the worse things to say My words are taking days to come to Me it’s easier in my dreams to tell You everything I’m begging for My answers from me but I’m terrified You wont listen to me speak This is harder then you expect Because we both know all I can do Is make a mess you’re searching for The words I’ve left unsaid but they’re Miles away from the place we’re at Now this is the part where the stars Fade away and I fall over the same mistakes the only song I can seem to play Is the one with the worse things to say Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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