The Song/Poem/Writing Thread

[Jammer]

i really like that just it could nt use soo much cursing.

Really?

 

While considering I only use 'fuck' and 'fucking' on the chorus, and 'shit' on the second verse, I thought I was being rather restrained.

[lyn]

Really?

 

While considering I only use 'fuck' and 'fucking' on the chorus, and 'shit' on the second verse, I thought I was being rather restrained.

 

haha.

for some reason, that made me laugh.

[Jammer]

Yeah, I haven't sworn in my other work in here before, but personally I think the odd swear word gives a song a bit of intensity.

[BasketCase963]

I agree but I think you should leave one of the fucks out of the chorus just because it's a bit too intense since they're so close together. Other than that I thought it was great!

[Jorgi]

For Now

 

You know I never thought I'd be the kind

To fumble with locked doors

Never thought I'd fall for green eyes

I fell for yours

 

so i'm a bit behind on this thread from not being here to read it, and i'll read and get through it all but meanwhile i have to say i'm in love with those lines.

 

i wrote alot on the plane to and from my holiday, so i'm afraid you'll all be bombarded sooner or later with some horrible ramblings.

[neverment2brag]

thoughts racing

walking and pacing

'round and round.

i cant take it anymore...

am i finally loosing it?

 

talking to myself

loosing all my health

feeling like im gunna die.

getting short of breath

fearing death

...should i be?

 

a little dazed

feeling a little crazed

am i FINALLY loosing it?

after all the shit

maybe i should just sit

just sit down and clear my head.

 

sitting down

laying down

asking why this is hapening.

getting really weak

feeling like im gunna freak

freak out and loose all self control.

 

mom walks in

asks whats wrong

my speech is impared

...so long.

 

i look at my mother

give her that look

that look of peace and release.

 

closing my eyes

waiting to die

i feel my breathing getting low.

 

mother screams

to me it seems...

seems that shes finally caring about me.

 

cant stop it now

i dont now how

but there i was..

i was gone.

 

just a lifeless body

laying on a bed.

maybe this is for a best.

now i can rest...

rest in peace and never be bothered

...again.

[neverment2brag]

i forgot if i posted these, maybe i did...but im gunna post them again i guess haha

 

this one is about one of my guy friends...like. he was my best friend. and then this other girl got in the way, and i didnt really know how to...explan how i felt to him ya know like, to say...this girl is basicly ruining our friendship, and i still like you as a friend and stuff.

 

"Over"

 

we used to be close

used to talk to one another

we liked the same things

and laughed with eatchother

but now thats over

*

i said something i shouldnt of said

and i was thinking of some things that i shouldnt of been thinking about

but i cant help

had to say it and im sorry for it

but i dont want us to be over

*

before all these things

we laughed together

and talked

and i liked it like that

but now i feel like somethings in the way

and ill leave it at that

but its killing me inside because i feel like were growing apart

becuase what we had was something special i thought

*

beacause i love you like a sister or brother

and i dont want to mess things up

but when im with you im felt like i was loved for once i thought

*

but now that things still in the way and i cant keep it inside any more

im going to have to tell you the truth

i think that the thing in the way is breaking us apart

and i really dont want that to happen

cuz like i said i do luv you

i dont hate you

i dont hate any one

but the way you talk about the thing well thats a bit messed up

*

i gotta try and get it through my head that we'll never be like we used to

but if we could that would be the bet thing ever

cuz your the reason that i love life

and without you in MY life well...

my life is over

*

but like i said i HAVE TO get used to it

but i dont think i can but ill try

cuz its getting on my nerves

i cant sleep at night

and i really hope we can work thing out

but if not

i dont want us to be over

 

_______________________________________

 

this ones untitled. its basicly part 2 of the 1st one, because after i told him how i felt, like...a year ago he was in another state, and he told me that he had heart trouble and had to go to the hospital and almost died basicly...and i like prayed my ass off for like week. and yeah, he told me that eh was just kididng about that. and i got REALLY pissed.

 

I trusted you.

I Beleived in you.

I prayed for you.

For what?

Nothing.

 

I Thought i was your friend

guess not.

Your too shy to admit what you like and dont like.

You sould of told me you wernt who i thought you were

 

Hurt

Depressed

Confuzed

Mad

Thats how i feel.

 

I'll never forgive you.

Ever.

Even if you get on your KNEES...

i wont.

 

Im going toblock you away from my life

But i cant forget all the good times we had.

 

I bet you knew i would be this hurt.

Thats why you kept it from EVERYONE

I've been truthfull to you since i MET you.

Why couldnt you of been truthfull to me?

If you would of,

I wouldnt be as hurt as i am now.

 

You have no idea how you've hurt me

You were my best friend..

not this.

UIt's all ruined

Our friendship is ruined

Just everything is ruined.

Its somewhere floating out to sea...

neevr to be seen again.

 

Someday i wish

I could turn back time

To when it was all good.

But tp think almost all of it was lies?

 

I want to die.

Better then that,

you die.

You die, and i will go to your funeral

and laugh

and laugh.

Cuz thats what you diserve.

Im just sorry you missed out on being my friend

cuz i AM a good person.

 

i dont lie.

Specially to you

You were my friend.

My BEST friend

not its just ruined

forver.

now get out of my face.

you sicken me.

 

But i always have a feeling to talk to you...

Cuz at 1st i thought that night was just a nightmare and not real...

i wanted to wake up so BAD i just wanted to scream...

but i didnt wake up.

it wasnt a dream.

it was ALL real.

and it JUST hit me.

and it sucks.

 

But i am finally telling you through this letter to YOU,

that i hate you

literly

i TRUELY mean it now.

so much.

I am erasing you from my memory.

It'll take a*while...

But you ruined my life

and it hurts just to say hi to you now...

 

you ruined my life.

just you.

only you.

its over.

and ruined.

forever.

 

sorry if i posted these before.....actually i think i did. but, i aint sure. but...their good. their double post worthy haha

[Rogue Ninja]

so i'm a bit behind on this thread from not being here to read it, and i'll read and get through it all but meanwhile i have to say i'm in love with those lines.

 

 

Thank you so much! I think those are my favorites, too. Haha, I guess it's good for songs to have good opening lines but I was upset I couldn't get the rest of the song to live up to the start.

[Jorgi]

i forgot if i posted these, maybe i did...but im gunna post them again i guess haha

 

-------

 

Right, please don't take this in the wrong way because i don't mean it in any offence, but maybe it's a bit cliché ? It's very literal, and in that way it's powerful and get's the point across but i'm a sucker for metaphors and meanings and for me it might be a bit too literal ? It doesn't really sing a song to me, more a very angsty letter.

However, again, don't get me wrong i'm not saying it's bad ! Infact the opposite, just i reckon it's the sort that sound better spoken/sung that written down.

 

Thank you so much! I think those are my favorites, too. Haha, I guess it's good for songs to have good opening lines but I was upset I couldn't get the rest of the song to live up to the start.

 

Au contraire ! I reckon the song carried on the same high level as the beginning, i just picked out my favourite bit

[Jammer]

Here we go again. I'd like to think this one has a more upbeat tone to it than my other efforts.

 

On Top of the World

 

Forget all your troubles

Forget all your miseries

Think back to that time when

We were care free and innocent

When we worried over nothing...

 

Do you remember how it felt

To be on top of the world?

Take my hand and I'll show you

That the sky isn't our limit anymore...

 

We both know that familiar feeling

To believe that we're untouchable

Miles above the drudgery of the world below

We make our own rules up here

And no-one can change any of it....

 

*chorus*

 

Come with me to the top of the world

Where all our troubles melt away into the sky

Embrace the feeling, my dear, cause there's

No time for us to stay here much longer

Just cut your losses, let's fly away together

Let's show the world what they're missing out on...

 

*chorus*

 

On top of the world, where we're at peace

On top of the world, where bliss reigns supreme

On top of the world, with you by my side...

[lyn]

another song. wheeeeee.

i have to give some credit to natashhha for helping me with the second verse and bridge.

thank you.

honest opinions please.

 

another no name yet song

 

first

 

i didn't know what to do.

i didn't know what to say.

you just left.

when i wanted you to stay.

i didn't know why.

i didn't know how.

we just ended.

and now

 

chorus

 

i have to find strength

in my weakness.

you are gone

and now all those sleepless

nights are through

i'm gonna survive

without you.

 

second

 

we never really got too far

who would've thought it would be this hard

i thought i knew who you were

who would've known you were a completely different person

what happened to us?

where did it go wrong?

now you're making me write this song.

 

chorus

 

bridge

 

your face and name

has been engraved in my brain

you're always on my mind

but now we are out of time

we're over, it's finally through

gotta stop thinkin about you

 

chorus

[Natasha]

i've got one too.

also unnamed.

 

thought i had a handle on life / but i guess it finally broke / i never was too sure where / this heart was supposed to go / when my mind goes the wrong direction / and i start to lose hope

 

(chorus) no one ever said this was gonna be easy / i just expected it to be that way / i wasn't expecting things to fall apart / right in front of my face

 

i don't see where things went wrong / i guess it all just happened too fast / i should've known my happiness wouldn't last long / now i just wish i could go back into the past

 

(chorus again)

 

 

yep, very short.

[lyn]

^I loves it Tasha.

[neverment2brag]

Right, please don't take this in the wrong way because i don't mean it in any offence, but maybe it's a bit cliché ? It's very literal, and in that way it's powerful and get's the point across but i'm a sucker for metaphors and meanings and for me it might be a bit too literal ? It doesn't really sing a song to me, more a very angsty letter.

However, again, don't get me wrong i'm not saying it's bad ! Infact the opposite, just i reckon it's the sort that sound better spoken/sung that written down.

yeah but....all poems dont gotta be song-like do they? haha i only write poems not songs. i SUCK at songs. and i know thoes suck. i didnt really mean to make them poem like. i just had to let my feelings out and i showed it to my friend thats a bit poem person and shes liek "hey thoes could be poems" so...yeah ha

 

did ANYONE read the other one i posted? or did that suck too lol

[Jorgi]

yeah but....all poems dont gotta be song-like do they? haha i only write poems not songs. i SUCK at songs. and i know thoes suck. i didnt really mean to make them poem like. i just had to let my feelings out and i showed it to my friend thats a bit poem person and shes liek "hey thoes could be poems" so...yeah ha

 

did ANYONE read the other one i posted? or did that suck too lol

 

OH my bad ! Sorry, i just automatically assumed it was a song, i reckon mainly because it's structure. But okay, here's the plan: ignore me, okay

[eefie]

AWESOME work yall!!! =]

[eefie]

^ That's an awesome poem!

 

 

thanks!

[Jorgi]

I'm not very good at writing lighthearted things, but i thought i'd go for the acoustic approach for once:

 

-

He's the kind that sings her songs that are never quite in tune

and he gets the words wrong,

but she don't care 'cause they're holding hands on the beach

with the sand beneath their feet

and she's thinking what a beautiful day.

He picks her right up and swings her round in the air

to make her scream and feel scared but she doesn't care

'cause she's enjoying ever minute spent with him by her side,

she looks to the sky when he's turned away and thanks whoever's up there

'cause no she's okay and this life would suit her just fine for now and forever,

sitting in the sun eathing ice cream and jelly together

like nothing else matters in the whole wide world.

and she knows that she's lucky to be with him

and he thinks she's the most beautiful girl he's ever seen,

and they both think they can safely say they know what love means

so she says, if love feels like butterflies and sunshine and ice cream,

then i sure am in love with you.

 

 

any comments or critisism would be ace 'cause i'm not really sure what i'm doing (;

[ninski]

Its pretty short. Kinda having a hard time with the bridge.And I'm not really feeling the emotions I felt when I first wrote the lyrics..If anyone wants to help, please do!!

 

 

I'm trying to pretend nothing's wrong

though I wanna cry

My heart is bleeding

While I'm smiling

 

Can't you see that I'm crying out for help

I can't show you how I really feel

Can't tell you how much I'm dying

 

I never wanted to feel this way

I never wished for this to happen

Can this all be gone right now

Can we walk away and just forget about it

[Rogue Ninja]

I'm not very good at writing lighthearted things, but i thought i'd go for the acoustic approach for once:

 

-

He's the kind that sings her songs that are never quite in tune

and he gets the words wrong,

but she don't care 'cause they're holding hands on the beach

with the sand beneath their feet

and she's thinking what a beautiful day.

He picks her right up and swings her round in the air

to make her scream and feel scared but she doesn't care

'cause she's enjoying ever minute spent with him by her side,

she looks to the sky when he's turned away and thanks whoever's up there

'cause no she's okay and this life would suit her just fine for now and forever,

sitting in the sun eathing ice cream and jelly together

like nothing else matters in the whole wide world.

and she knows that she's lucky to be with him

and he thinks she's the most beautiful girl he's ever seen,

and they both think they can safely say they know what love means

so she says, if love feels like butterflies and sunshine and ice cream,

then i sure am in love with you.

 

 

any comments or critisism would be ace 'cause i'm not really sure what i'm doing (;

 

It's cute! I think it would work better as a paragraph, though. I don't see the line breaks adding anything to it, and writing free verse poetry sets you up to be ripped apart by a lot of critics. Unless there's some kind of structure there that I'm missing?

 

 

I'll post one of mine instead of coming back in 10 minutes and double posting, ha.

 

Freedom

 

I wake up with the morning light creeping around the curtain

It happens almost every day but even that’s not certain

Some mornings I wake up and by clouds the light’s hidden

Those are days when contemplative moods arise unbidden

 

I think about my life and the direction it’s going

I think about me feelings and I keep them all from showing

I think about my problems and the causes that precede them

And how none of that matters if I only have my freedom

 

I lie awake on restless nights, dark heightening my senses

Overwhelming thoughts attack breaking down my defenses

It’s not likely that I will cry but less likely that I’ll sleep

As through my mind large problems thrash and small worries also creep

 

I think about myself and the way that I am living

I think about the things I get compared to what I’m giving

I think of all the things I want but I don’t really need them

The one thing that I need the most I have and that’s my freedom

 

I stand alone up on the bridge and see as far as I can

Everything that meets the eye can interfere with my plan

I hold my breath and close my eyes, it breaks my heart to be there

To see how small I really am, it all just seems so unfair

 

I think about the plans I’ve made and promises I’ve broken

I think of all my lofty goals and the lies that I’ve spoken

I think about my instincts but I know I’d never heed them

‘Cause giving up on life is just me giving up my freedom

[Jorgi]

It's cute! I think it would work better as a paragraph, though. I don't see the line breaks adding anything to it, and writing free verse poetry sets you up to be ripped apart by a lot of critics. Unless there's some kind of structure there that I'm missing?

 

Ah, no i see what you mean but block paragraphs really put me off reading things, i wasn't sure if it'd be the same way for anyone else and attempted to break it off. I'll try get a recording of it done at some point, i think it sounds better in song then on paper (although still not excellent, but hey i'm experimenting!) . Cheers

 

 

 

 

Freedom

 

I wake up with the morning light creeping around the curtain

It happens almost every day but even that’s not certain

 

---

 

I think about the plans I’ve made and promises I’ve broken

I think of all my lofty goals and the lies that I’ve spoken

I think about my instincts but I know I’d never heed them

‘Cause giving up on life is just me giving up my freedom

 

I really do enjoy the beginning of your songs ! I like how you managed to keep the rhythm all the way through the verses (although perhaps some seemed a little strained ?), it had a very nice flow.

Quoted those 8 lines because to me, they're excellent

[neverment2brag]

ah. alright...well i was lie flippin through like local news channels, and CNN and FOX news and all that. and all they were talkin about were like phsycos like..killing their wives. and.....teenagers killing parents and all that shit.

 

so, this came to my mind....i know it sucks. my the end i like ran out of things really but here it is:

 

One fine day,

This woman sits at home.

At the kitchen table with her kids all alone.

She asks her son how his day at school went,

Then she hears a loud knock on the door.

She thinks to herself "Oh dear lord".

Another bang on the door comes,

She screams "ILL BE RIGHT THERE!"

She opens up the door and this man with a gun.

Shoots her two little kids...

even her son.

She runs to the phone to call 911,

But it was too late...

The man shoots her not one,

not two,

but THREE times in the head...

Then the man realizes the horror of what he just did.

His head gets heavy,

He lies down on the floor...

He feels guilty and horrified.

So he gets the gun...

and takes his own life.

 

What a shame...

but whos to blame?

No one...

 

Because its a sick world.

People kill for no reason...

EVERY day.

And thats pretty much all i have to say.

 

Has everyone gone mad?

Its so damn sad...

Becasue theres no reason for it.

 

Its a sick world full of bad drivers,

Phsyco killers...

Druggies, Ex Con's...

 

What are we going to do to get it though?

That these people need help...

They need to start brand new.

 

If not,

The next knock on the door...

could be the end of you.

[Rogue Ninja]

Ah, no i see what you mean but block paragraphs really put me off reading things, i wasn't sure if it'd be the same way for anyone else and attempted to break it off. I'll try get a recording of it done at some point, i think it sounds better in song then on paper (although still not excellent, but hey i'm experimenting!) . Cheers

 

 

 

I really do enjoy the beginning of your songs ! I like how you managed to keep the rhythm all the way through the verses (although perhaps some seemed a little strained ?), it had a very nice flow.

Quoted those 8 lines because to me, they're excellent

 

I look forward to listening to that. =)

 

Thank you so much. Yes, good openers! That's good to know. I'll try to keep it up. Yeah, I'll be the first to admit that keeping up a constant rhythm is not easy, and I'm not disciplined enough to keep trying until it's perfect. I'm more of the "eh, it's not the best, but it's good enough" school, though I'd like to move up eventually. Thanks again!

[Jorgi]

I'm more of the "eh, it's not the best, but it's good enough" school, though I'd like to move up eventually.

 

I'm exactly the same ;D

 

I'm trying for different approaches on things but i'm still not too hot at this whole writing business, so again critique is always welcome !

 

--

i'll have to admit

that this plan all went a bit haywaire

and no amount of wit will stop you being a liar

so set me another light

but no amount of nicotine will get me through tonight

so another shotof vodka will do me just fine

you'll do me just fine

 

so mr. cliché makes another appearance

just as it's too late to make a difference

so where's the surprise this time ?

it's about time you stop chasing the limelight you crave

and save your arrogance for another day

before this goes too far.

 

and i thought it would be quite alright

to just sit outside and talk all night

with two cups of tea with sugar and some memories of us

but that was never quite enough

so another shot of vodka will do me just fine

(this time) you'll do me just fine

[Emergency32]

I finally got something new. I'm pretty proud of it. I can relate to this

song alot (you'll see how once you read it) and i haven't written one

i can relate to in awhile, in fact i haven't even written anything in awhile.

Plus the best thing about me writing this song is that

 

1. it says alot of stuff that i can't

and

2. this guy i know and the band he's in might

be covering it. So that's pretty amazing.

 

Anyways enough talking and here's the lyrics. (:

 

 

Stars Fade Away:

 

I’m scared to death of what

You might think I’m taking broken

Bridges anywhere but here honestly

I’m running from everything ‘cause

I’m desperately looking for the words

To speak

 

This is harder then you expect

Because we both know all I can do

Is make a mess you’re searching for

The words I’ve left unsaid but they’re

Miles away from the place we’re at

 

Now this is the part where the stars

Fade away and I fall over the same mistakes

(Now this is the part where the stars

Fade away) the only song I can seem to play

Is the one with the worse things to say

 

My words are taking days to come to

Me it’s easier in my dreams to tell

You everything I’m begging for

My answers from me but I’m terrified

You wont listen to me speak

 

This is harder then you expect

Because we both know all I can do

Is make a mess you’re searching for

The words I’ve left unsaid but they’re

Miles away from the place we’re at

 

 

Now this is the part where the stars

Fade away and I fall over the same mistakes

the only song I can seem to play

Is the one with the worse things to say